Double Knots

I suffer with anxiety. With or from? A year ago, I would have said, “from”. I was completely floored by chaos, indecision and an overwhelming lack of grip on the world on a regular basis. Now, I’d say, “with”. 

Running is a big part of that shift. I can step outside and nip it all in the bud, feeling powerful and easy for the rest of the day. I can set aside those twitching, screeching sensations in my body and arrive at a sense of humour and clarity about things. In short, I can feel more like myself.

But if it’s a bad day and I miss that window, if I don’t get out for a run before the anxiety arises, the idea of even planning a route can feel unbearable. Which shoes to wear? What are the right clothes for the weather? What if I get it wrong? Should I try to combine it with a speed session, some hill work, a food shop? Long run or short run? Why do I even bother. What’s the point of running? Surely it’s just a waste of time. I’m wasting my time. What should I be filling my time with? I’m wasting my life.

And then a lump appears in my throat. Not like I’m about to cry, just like… like my nervous system is in agony. I lie down under a blanket for an indeterminate amount of time. The radio burbles in the background. It’s best if it’s in a separate room, so I don’t have to engage with it, but I can still feel less alone in my vortex. I feel like I’ve drunk too much and the room is spinning. I aim for sleep.

Eventually I’ll get bored, or feel better, or both. I’ll get up and I’ll put my easy trainers on. I’ll wear my favourite outfit and I’ll run an old favourite route. The training schedule doesn’t matter for today. Or maybe it does, and I’ll set out for a nice, clean session of 400m laps of a square at 1 mile pace, and the order of it all will soothe me. I’ll enjoy the simple pursuit of accuracy and achievement. 

When I come home, things won't have changed. The causes of my anxiety - if any - will not have been magically solved while I was out alternating my feet. I still have to find work, tidy the kitchen, contemplate my future and decide what to have for lunch. But maybe now I can ignore one of those tasks. Maybe I’ve managed to completely forget it’s a problem. 

And that’s it until the next day, or the day after that. On one of those days, I’ll feel strong enough from cumulative endorphins and a bit of sunshine to deal with the larger tasks. But right now, tying a double knot on my trainers will be the extent of my mental exertion. One step at a time.